Summary: "Why are you doing
this to me?!" You moan out, and start banging the phone against
your counter top. I pull the phone away and you do this for a while
until the plastic begins to chip on it, I’m sure, and come back
to the phone. I think you had a good cry thrown in there as well.
Disclaimer: Not Real
Beta: Lisa & MS Word.
Want.
I am not in love.
There was nothing wrong with me.
There was no imperfections whatsoever, nothing about myself which I could claim ugly or say I disliked. I was flawless. I was God. You knew it too. One look into my eyes and I knew you were mines right down to the very first time I captured your soft pink lips and salty tears rolled from those beautiful evergreen eyes of yours. You disliked my perfection, you begged for me to be flawed, begged for me to be useless. At night you would whisper how much you hated me, how much you despised my charisma and charm, hated my gentle, yet demanding voice, hated my style, hated my stance; oh, you would go on for hours ranting and yelling, kicking and screaming, try to project how much I hurt him.
It drove you crazy; why would I choose someone so imperfect to love?
I remember after a night of soft whispers and subtle touches, a few shy glances and the occasional brush of our lips together you turned around in the bed while the first of the sun's tiny ray's broke through the window and you looked at me, really looked at me. I could've fallen asleep in your eyes; that hazy smile and that quiet whisper that sent a shiver down my spine. "Hi."
It was the simplest gesture in the world, used for a thousand different things in a thousand different ways, but on that day at that moment it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. And you yawned tiredly and I covered my nose playfully because, liebling, you had morning breath and regardless of how beautiful and astound and amazing and breath taking you looked your breath still stunk, and I smiled back. "Hi."
And then you fell asleep again, little swirls and curls of hair matting themselves against the pillow.
Was it because of the way your silky strands of dark honey hair tickled my nose as I nuzzled against you at night, holding you tight and claiming you as mines? Was it because of those long, elegant fingers of yours which grasped the bed sheets tightly, fearful of me leaving you during the night even in the midst of a deep sleep? Why did it pain me and yet give me so much pleasure to watch you as small liquid drops bubbled around your eyes and ran across the surface of your delicate cheeks to pool around the corners of your mouth before dropping down into your lap like a waterfall? Was it because at that very same moment you lurched forwards and grabbed my tie, begging me not to go, that I should stay, that you loved me, that you needed me? Or was it because your pale eyes were shimmering with something that I haven't seen within him in years?
Desire? Anguish? Lewdness? Infatuation?
Tell me, Alexander, what were you thinking? Please don't look so sad when I turn my face away, you can't ask for things you don't want and not need the things you do. It does not work that way. You can't hate me and love me. You can't toss bottles of Vodka at me and then pour me a glass. You can't keep thinking that you're okay with this situation.
I do not love you.
I do not need you.
I have no passion, no desire, no want, no need to touch you, hold you or be with you. You are nothing more to me than a filled bed space on awkward nights when all I can hear is the fucking sheep outside and your snoring besides me. I do not want to make you love me, I do not want you to tell me how perfect you are and how much you hate it. I do not wish to hear your voice. I do not wish to see your face, nor your eyes.
But...God, don't make me ask you to turn around one more time before you leave for good.
------------------------
Repel.
I am not in love.
I'm not as disgusted as you think I am at the moment, you little heathen, but I'm not exactly elated either. You little shit, how could you do that? How could you walk away so easily? What happened to all these yells and cries of love and lust and want, only for you to drop me at a second's notice? You asked me how come I didn't love you, how come I didn't treat you right. It was always about you, wasn't it? You and your needs.
How can you love something that is not there?
Alexander, can you answer that?
It's true, you weren't there, you weren't there when I slammed you against the wall and captured your lips for a desperate, needy kiss. It wasn't your eyes that glared back up into mines and sneered out violent, yet suggestive words into my ear before clamping hotly down on it. Was this supposed to be what I wanted!? A ruff counterfeit Alex to keep me at bay until the real you, where the hell the real you was, decided to come back from it's lack luster vacation?
So why were you so hurt when I pushed you away? Was it denial that turns you on, Alexander? Or is it the need to want someone? Tell me, how do you feel?
You wipe your lips, glaring at me and rubbing your back slightly. You know it hurts. So do I.
"I don’t want to do this anymore." You whisper.
No one was forcing you.
"The door is right over there." I point calmly, buttoning my shirt back up.
When you slam the door the picture of me and you on the door’s frame shatters.
Why won’t you stop in your tracks and bang on that door one more time?
-------------
Hurt.
I am not in love.
"He called me to warn you that you were going to do something stupid, are you going to do something stupid Alexander?" I calmly talk to you, but I’m gritting my teeth. It’s been two months and no word. So why does Bob have to call me, telling me how stupid you’ve been acting. Drinking, Alexander? How unbecoming of you. "Are you trying to forget me, liebling?"
I smirk, you grip the phone tighter, I can hear your knuckles cracking as you breathe out slowly, " How’d you get this number?"
"Why are you avoiding my question?"
"Why are you doing this to me?!" You moan out, and start banging the phone against your counter top. I pull the phone away and you do this for a while until the plastic begins to chip on it, I’m sure, and come back to the phone. I think you had a good cry thrown in there as well.
I bite my lips," Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because I fucking love yo-" I slam the phone down, pick up my pants from off the floor and tell Bob to get the fuck out of my bed. I’m met with a pillow to the face as he groans, " S’my apartment wanker, get the fuck out of my bed."
Oh yeah.
Why won’t you ring my phone and call back?
-----------------------------------
Fight.
"Does it hurt?" I murmur, holding the ice pack on his lip steadily. He shrugs and holds the wet cloth against my cheek," Does it hurt?" I shake my head and we both smile.
"Sorry I socked you in the jaw." He smiles.
"Sorry I busted your lip."
"I’m sorry I didn’t move out the way." Another laugh.
"Wanna fuck?" I raise my eyebrows and he slaps me again so I flinch in pain," I’m sorry…."
"No, I should say that." He says, kissing me gently on my cheek. I run my hands through his hair before bringing his head down lower to brush against my lips instead. After a few seconds he pulls away and sighs, " Nicky, you have an odd way of showing love."
"Don’t call me that. And fuck, Alex, I don’t love you!"
"Ja ja ja." He mimics me," I’m an cold hearted bitch, I’m Brian Kinney, blah blah blah. Ever get tired of lying to yourself?" He places a warm hand to my cheek and I feel it’s warmth spread through my whole entire body.
Instead of reacting I roll my eyes I pout a little, " No."
"I can’t win with you!"
"Well, I’m not an easy game of Pac Man."
"What does Pac Man have to do with anything?"
"S’German-"
"Pac Man is not German, Nicholas. Okay, just because it has an A next to a C doesn’t mean it’s German." He pokes a finger in my chest and I find it amusing, so I continue to taunt him. "I was just saying, every time you get close to me like Pac Man gets to winning a game one of the ghosts eats you. Or in this case, you stop yourself."
"I stop myself!!??" He yells and I bite back a giggle.
I nod," Why don’t you love meeeeee Alexander!?" I mimic him this time and he doesn’t find it funny, so he presses the cloth against my jaw a little harder. And then I poke his lip. And then we start arguing again and then he smacks him so I smack him back and then we’re fighting again and somehow we ended up on the table and now everything is just fucking confusing. And somehow when he’s strangling me I ask him, " Can I have a kiss?" and he obliges and I think I really hate him a lot.
------------------
Confession.
"I’m not listening!" He bangs the phone onto the counter again. " Not listening!!!"
"Alexander, stop it and shut up!" I scream through the phone.
"No! Not! Listening! No! La la la la la la la la la la." He bangs the phone again harder and I have to pull it away from my ears.
"You’re pissing me the fuck off!" I sneer.
"Good!" Alex bellows.
"Stop acting like a kid-"
"Stop acting like an adult!"
"Why are you talking to me!?" I yell out and he howls back, " You’re the one who called me!"
"I called to try and tell you something, damnit!"
"Well what is it?"
I take a deep breath, " Alex…I think …ahh….you…fuck you!"
"Fuck you too!" He yells and starts banging on the phone again.
"Fuck, I love you!" I gasp out and the phone goes silent. "Alex…?"
The fucker hang up on me.
----------------------
Confused.
While I’m buried deep under the covers someone pokes me in my stomach, " Nicky…."
"Stoppit." I yawn, sitting up and looking to see Alex standing there all bundled up and adorable. My eyes soften automatically and I try and shove him away but he’s actually very strong.
"Why did you call me?" He mumbles shyly, touching me again with more care. Go away. I’m sleepy. And I don’t love you. I don’t love you and your childish crazy fucking ways. No. Nope. Not at all. As soon as I open my mouth he jumps on top of me and giggles out, " Well, tell me!!!!"
"Why did you hang up on me?" I rub my sides, sitting up fully. He looks at me and frowns, " Bob kicked me in the back of my leg and I fell into the counter. The phone got disconnected. I didn’t hear the last sentence. What did you say?"
"You didn’t hear anything I said?" I asked, pissed off beyond belief.
"Nope." He shook his shaggy hair and I resisted the urge to punch him again. " Good." It wasn’t good. It hurt. It hurt a lot.
"What did you say then?" He asks me quietly now, playing with the ends of his hair.
"Come, give me a hug Lexy." I mumble out, becoming upset and he does, falls into my arms warmly and gingerly. Breathes hotly into my hair and playfully skims his lips over the shell of my ear. I hold him tighter, so tight I think I might suffocate him, but that’s okay because he whispers out, " Will you ever tell me Nicky?"
I groan and sigh, " No. ..M-maybe some other day."
Disclaimer: Not Real
Beta: Lisa & MS Word.
Want.
I am not in love.
There was nothing wrong with me.
There was no imperfections whatsoever, nothing about myself which I could claim ugly or say I disliked. I was flawless. I was God. You knew it too. One look into my eyes and I knew you were mines right down to the very first time I captured your soft pink lips and salty tears rolled from those beautiful evergreen eyes of yours. You disliked my perfection, you begged for me to be flawed, begged for me to be useless. At night you would whisper how much you hated me, how much you despised my charisma and charm, hated my gentle, yet demanding voice, hated my style, hated my stance; oh, you would go on for hours ranting and yelling, kicking and screaming, try to project how much I hurt him.
It drove you crazy; why would I choose someone so imperfect to love?
I remember after a night of soft whispers and subtle touches, a few shy glances and the occasional brush of our lips together you turned around in the bed while the first of the sun's tiny ray's broke through the window and you looked at me, really looked at me. I could've fallen asleep in your eyes; that hazy smile and that quiet whisper that sent a shiver down my spine. "Hi."
It was the simplest gesture in the world, used for a thousand different things in a thousand different ways, but on that day at that moment it was the most beautiful thing I had ever heard. And you yawned tiredly and I covered my nose playfully because, liebling, you had morning breath and regardless of how beautiful and astound and amazing and breath taking you looked your breath still stunk, and I smiled back. "Hi."
And then you fell asleep again, little swirls and curls of hair matting themselves against the pillow.
Was it because of the way your silky strands of dark honey hair tickled my nose as I nuzzled against you at night, holding you tight and claiming you as mines? Was it because of those long, elegant fingers of yours which grasped the bed sheets tightly, fearful of me leaving you during the night even in the midst of a deep sleep? Why did it pain me and yet give me so much pleasure to watch you as small liquid drops bubbled around your eyes and ran across the surface of your delicate cheeks to pool around the corners of your mouth before dropping down into your lap like a waterfall? Was it because at that very same moment you lurched forwards and grabbed my tie, begging me not to go, that I should stay, that you loved me, that you needed me? Or was it because your pale eyes were shimmering with something that I haven't seen within him in years?
Desire? Anguish? Lewdness? Infatuation?
Tell me, Alexander, what were you thinking? Please don't look so sad when I turn my face away, you can't ask for things you don't want and not need the things you do. It does not work that way. You can't hate me and love me. You can't toss bottles of Vodka at me and then pour me a glass. You can't keep thinking that you're okay with this situation.
I do not love you.
I do not need you.
I have no passion, no desire, no want, no need to touch you, hold you or be with you. You are nothing more to me than a filled bed space on awkward nights when all I can hear is the fucking sheep outside and your snoring besides me. I do not want to make you love me, I do not want you to tell me how perfect you are and how much you hate it. I do not wish to hear your voice. I do not wish to see your face, nor your eyes.
But...God, don't make me ask you to turn around one more time before you leave for good.
------------------------
Repel.
I am not in love.
I'm not as disgusted as you think I am at the moment, you little heathen, but I'm not exactly elated either. You little shit, how could you do that? How could you walk away so easily? What happened to all these yells and cries of love and lust and want, only for you to drop me at a second's notice? You asked me how come I didn't love you, how come I didn't treat you right. It was always about you, wasn't it? You and your needs.
How can you love something that is not there?
Alexander, can you answer that?
It's true, you weren't there, you weren't there when I slammed you against the wall and captured your lips for a desperate, needy kiss. It wasn't your eyes that glared back up into mines and sneered out violent, yet suggestive words into my ear before clamping hotly down on it. Was this supposed to be what I wanted!? A ruff counterfeit Alex to keep me at bay until the real you, where the hell the real you was, decided to come back from it's lack luster vacation?
So why were you so hurt when I pushed you away? Was it denial that turns you on, Alexander? Or is it the need to want someone? Tell me, how do you feel?
You wipe your lips, glaring at me and rubbing your back slightly. You know it hurts. So do I.
"I don’t want to do this anymore." You whisper.
No one was forcing you.
"The door is right over there." I point calmly, buttoning my shirt back up.
When you slam the door the picture of me and you on the door’s frame shatters.
Why won’t you stop in your tracks and bang on that door one more time?
-------------
Hurt.
I am not in love.
"He called me to warn you that you were going to do something stupid, are you going to do something stupid Alexander?" I calmly talk to you, but I’m gritting my teeth. It’s been two months and no word. So why does Bob have to call me, telling me how stupid you’ve been acting. Drinking, Alexander? How unbecoming of you. "Are you trying to forget me, liebling?"
I smirk, you grip the phone tighter, I can hear your knuckles cracking as you breathe out slowly, " How’d you get this number?"
"Why are you avoiding my question?"
"Why are you doing this to me?!" You moan out, and start banging the phone against your counter top. I pull the phone away and you do this for a while until the plastic begins to chip on it, I’m sure, and come back to the phone. I think you had a good cry thrown in there as well.
I bite my lips," Why are you doing this to me?"
"Because I fucking love yo-" I slam the phone down, pick up my pants from off the floor and tell Bob to get the fuck out of my bed. I’m met with a pillow to the face as he groans, " S’my apartment wanker, get the fuck out of my bed."
Oh yeah.
Why won’t you ring my phone and call back?
-----------------------------------
Fight.
"Does it hurt?" I murmur, holding the ice pack on his lip steadily. He shrugs and holds the wet cloth against my cheek," Does it hurt?" I shake my head and we both smile.
"Sorry I socked you in the jaw." He smiles.
"Sorry I busted your lip."
"I’m sorry I didn’t move out the way." Another laugh.
"Wanna fuck?" I raise my eyebrows and he slaps me again so I flinch in pain," I’m sorry…."
"No, I should say that." He says, kissing me gently on my cheek. I run my hands through his hair before bringing his head down lower to brush against my lips instead. After a few seconds he pulls away and sighs, " Nicky, you have an odd way of showing love."
"Don’t call me that. And fuck, Alex, I don’t love you!"
"Ja ja ja." He mimics me," I’m an cold hearted bitch, I’m Brian Kinney, blah blah blah. Ever get tired of lying to yourself?" He places a warm hand to my cheek and I feel it’s warmth spread through my whole entire body.
Instead of reacting I roll my eyes I pout a little, " No."
"I can’t win with you!"
"Well, I’m not an easy game of Pac Man."
"What does Pac Man have to do with anything?"
"S’German-"
"Pac Man is not German, Nicholas. Okay, just because it has an A next to a C doesn’t mean it’s German." He pokes a finger in my chest and I find it amusing, so I continue to taunt him. "I was just saying, every time you get close to me like Pac Man gets to winning a game one of the ghosts eats you. Or in this case, you stop yourself."
"I stop myself!!??" He yells and I bite back a giggle.
I nod," Why don’t you love meeeeee Alexander!?" I mimic him this time and he doesn’t find it funny, so he presses the cloth against my jaw a little harder. And then I poke his lip. And then we start arguing again and then he smacks him so I smack him back and then we’re fighting again and somehow we ended up on the table and now everything is just fucking confusing. And somehow when he’s strangling me I ask him, " Can I have a kiss?" and he obliges and I think I really hate him a lot.
------------------
Confession.
"I’m not listening!" He bangs the phone onto the counter again. " Not listening!!!"
"Alexander, stop it and shut up!" I scream through the phone.
"No! Not! Listening! No! La la la la la la la la la la." He bangs the phone again harder and I have to pull it away from my ears.
"You’re pissing me the fuck off!" I sneer.
"Good!" Alex bellows.
"Stop acting like a kid-"
"Stop acting like an adult!"
"Why are you talking to me!?" I yell out and he howls back, " You’re the one who called me!"
"I called to try and tell you something, damnit!"
"Well what is it?"
I take a deep breath, " Alex…I think …ahh….you…fuck you!"
"Fuck you too!" He yells and starts banging on the phone again.
"Fuck, I love you!" I gasp out and the phone goes silent. "Alex…?"
The fucker hang up on me.
----------------------
Confused.
While I’m buried deep under the covers someone pokes me in my stomach, " Nicky…."
"Stoppit." I yawn, sitting up and looking to see Alex standing there all bundled up and adorable. My eyes soften automatically and I try and shove him away but he’s actually very strong.
"Why did you call me?" He mumbles shyly, touching me again with more care. Go away. I’m sleepy. And I don’t love you. I don’t love you and your childish crazy fucking ways. No. Nope. Not at all. As soon as I open my mouth he jumps on top of me and giggles out, " Well, tell me!!!!"
"Why did you hang up on me?" I rub my sides, sitting up fully. He looks at me and frowns, " Bob kicked me in the back of my leg and I fell into the counter. The phone got disconnected. I didn’t hear the last sentence. What did you say?"
"You didn’t hear anything I said?" I asked, pissed off beyond belief.
"Nope." He shook his shaggy hair and I resisted the urge to punch him again. " Good." It wasn’t good. It hurt. It hurt a lot.
"What did you say then?" He asks me quietly now, playing with the ends of his hair.
"Come, give me a hug Lexy." I mumble out, becoming upset and he does, falls into my arms warmly and gingerly. Breathes hotly into my hair and playfully skims his lips over the shell of my ear. I hold him tighter, so tight I think I might suffocate him, but that’s okay because he whispers out, " Will you ever tell me Nicky?"
I groan and sigh, " No. ..M-maybe some other day."
